


Heartbreak Hymnal

by intothemysticfic



Category: Monsta X (Band)
Genre: Angst, Asexual Character, Bullying, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Mutilation, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, mentions no mercy, relationships tags will change
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-04-29
Updated: 2018-06-13
Packaged: 2019-04-29 12:29:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,228
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14472783
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/intothemysticfic/pseuds/intothemysticfic
Summary: He'd seen the mark during No.Mercy; he hadn't wanted their matching marks to become a punch line for television ratings so resolved to keep his mark hidden. No.Mercy has ended, but he holds onto his secret because there is no way that the member that shares his mark will ever want him. It's a mistake one he hopes he can correct.





	1. Prologue

When he was young his mother used to cradle him in her lap tracing the sharp edges of his soul-mark, she told him that the love he found would be a fierce love. His grandmother, superstitious as she was, always regarded the dark colors of his mark with sad eyes, warning him that the love he found would resemble a curse - he never understood. At school, he marveled at the bright colors and soft lines of his classmates’ soul-marks – beautiful abstract galaxies. The other students would always point and whisper when they caught sight of his dark mark – harsh black lines, burnt red peppered with smoky blue. Even the students born without a mark would gossip about how lucky they were in comparison.

Often, the fear that his soul-mark forecasted impending doom drove him to tears, and encouraged him to keep his mark covered. The blemished skin of his upper thigh always bandaged. His mother would wipe the tears from his round cheeks; remind him that a soul-marks appearance didn't foreshadow a type of relationship. Holding him close to her she would reassure him that the universe didn't make mistakes - love existed between every matching mark. The mark was physical proof that the people who shared marks came from the same star, part of the same whole. He believed her.

The first time he had seen his mark decorating someone else's skin had been during 'No Mercy' - he'd been nervous but excited; after all, he believed his mother's words. The universe didn't make mistakes. He convinced himself that the forbidding appearance of the mark had simply meant that the two would meet as rivals competing for the same prize. At first, he'd kept his discovery hidden because he hadn't wanted the revelation to be broadcast on national television for ratings. He was eager for the day he could reveal himself to the boy that shared his mark.

Slowly, his belief had been chipped away; he grew out of the fairytale the same way he had outgrown his mother's arms. The whiplash from spells of silence broken by sudden insulting comments always left him reeling. The other contestants believing that he was a fraud, a cheat, was hard to bear. His mark-match believing those things left him feeling gutted. "How much do you think it cost – the promise to debut?" He tried not to listen, always tried to block out the crude comments but they always spoke loud enough for him to hear regardless. "His ass probably." Tears burned his eyes as faith in his mother's words fell away. His mark was black scars, red betrayal, and blue tears.

He focused on the opportunity at hand eager to learn as much as he could, on impressing the judges, the audience. He decided to give his all to win, part of him hoping that if he could prove that he deserved to be a participant that he could prove his worth to the boy that shared his mark. Naively, he thought that hard work would be enough to change the other contestant's opinions of him. Foolishly, he believed that winning would mean his fellow members would accept him, trust him. He never considered that they wouldn't, never questioned what it would feel like to have the person fate paired him with being one of those members.

After the show ended, he kept his discovery a secret because he realized that his grandmother had been right. The dark colors of his mark where an omen; the sharp edges a warning - his soul-mark was a curse. The way his mark-match had cried at the loss of his friends, glared at Changhyun like he had taken something precious away from the older boy solidified his belief in his grandmother’s words. He resolved to keep his mark hidden, to work hard and to leave fairy tales behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Comments are very much appreciated! I'd love to know what everyone thinks.  
> Future chapters will be longer.


	2. Chapter 2

During dance practice, he often catches glimpses of his soul-mark, staining skin that isn't his, reflected in the mirror. His stomach twists into knots every time. He loses count of his steps, stumbles. He wishes the wooden floor would open up and swallow him. He wants to disappear, he regrets having been so desperate to debut that he had taken the first opportunity offered to him. "Again," Hyunwoo states as he moves to restart the song, and Changkyun knows it is because of his mistake.

  
Keeping his gaze locked on the floor, he is too afraid of looking up and meeting the scorn from everyone in the room. It doesn’t stop him from hearing the comments the members make. "Gun was never this bad," Jooheon grumbles. “Shouldn’t a rapper have more rhythm,” Hoseok questions. Sometimes it feels like No.Mercy never ended. He thinks he should be used to the comments by now, but it stings the same every time.

  
No one comments when Jooheon loses his balance. Minhyuk shoes squeak loudly as he corrects himself after moving in the wrong direction – no one brings attention to the slip-up. He wonders if he will ever be able to work hard enough to earn his members praise. They continue until sweat drenches all of them, the animosity thick in the air he thinks he might choke. Being part of a group shouldn’t mean being a punching bag. He decides to disappear.

  
After practice is over he doesn’t follow the members out; instead, he catches the manager, “I’d like to stay behind – I keep messing up on the choreography.” The older man tries to reassure him, “It’s still early, and everyone is messing up on their moves.” He doesn’t need reassurance he needs an escape, a break from being the groups punching bag. Since joining the company, he’s been atoning for a sin he didn’t commit. “Please, Hyung, I won’t stay too late.” He tries to look cute, a little pathetic for sympathy. “Okay – okay, but don’t overwork yourself.” Changkyun nods readily, relief washing over him.

  
The quiet that fills the room after the manager leaves is comforting. For the first time in a long while he can breathe comfortably without fear or worry of being ridiculed. He plays the song that will be their debut track over and over, dancing along until his legs feel weak. Until his head is foggy and his chest is tight, but it isn’t enough. It's never enough, in front of the members he knows that he will always make mistakes.

  
The room spins, he lays down before the motion can make him puke. Suddenly the quiet isn’t welcome, there is no relief left to be found in the empty room. With only him and his weak legs, his rolling stomach, and his thoughts he cries overwhelmed. A bone-deep weariness fills him, he wants to sleep but knows he cannot sleep here he drags himself up and heads back to the dorm. He’s pleasantly surprised to find his band mates fast asleep.

  
It becomes routine, cornering their manager once the other members leave. The older man always tries to convince him to talk to Hyunwoo, but he declines, reasoning that the leader has enough on his plate. “I don’t want to be a burden,” he says. Realistically it’s because he doesn’t think Hyunwoo would fall for his pouty face the way the older man does. Still, their manager always looks at him with pity before giving in, making him promise to say out of trouble.

  
On days that he's too sore to dance he hides away in the studio. He can't compose tracks like Jooheon, not familiar enough with the equipment or programs, he's too afraid to ask for help. Most of his time in the studio is spent writing, pouring out everything until he felt empty and scraped raw. He wonders when the company will figure out that picking him was a mistake and strip him of his debut.

  
He waits until just before curfew to return to the dorms. The members have always eaten by then and already tucked away for the night in their bunks. He showers before quietly doing his portion of the chores before hunger moves him to the kitchen. He finds a plate of food in the fridge, leftovers from the meal the members shared, a bright post-it note with his name stuck on it. At first, he thought it was a joke, a prank but he recognized the handwriting as Kihyun's. The older boy never seemed like the type to be needlessly cruel.

  
Sometimes he will nibble on the food left in the fridge, most times he leaves it untouched. Tonight he unwraps the plate, not bothering to heat it, he slides to the floor taking small bites. It doesn't make sense, he’s made a list of reasons Kihyun would save him food. The kindness and thought required for the gesture are foreign to him since meeting the members. It doesn’t make sense. The food fills a spot inside him a little at a time regardless of if he eats it or not. He decides it’s not worth worrying about; instead, he focuses on the things he has control over.

  
Retreating to his bed, he cowers beneath the comforter his cellphone screen bright in the dark space he looks up soul-mark removal. Mark-matches that have gone wrong: murder, cheating, mistakes, all the failures. He reads the things people have done to rid themselves of their bond, horrible acts, but he supposes that's the thing about curses - they aren't meant to be beautiful. He wants to be free, but no matter where he looks, or how long he spends on his phone, nothing he finds is 100%.

  
Enough damage to the mark can cause it to dissolve – it will leave him with a scar, a permanent reminder of his failure. He wonders if he could stomach the blood, the pain. The extent some people have had to go to make the mark fade is dangerous. Trading in one flaw for another one that is equally tragic, he isn’t sure it would be worth it. Still, his mind lingers on the possibility, on ways he could inflect the damage required.

  
One of a matched pair dying can cause the mark to fade on the person left behind. He remembers when his grandfather died. How months later his grandmother had mourned the loss of her mark, the last thing she had of the man she loved, just as fiercely as she had wept for the man. He doesn't want to hurt his soft-hearted bandmate, leaving him wondering what happened to his mark, but it would be worse if the truth ever came to light.

  
He's had too many close calls already; it's hard to keep secrets when they're practically in each other's pockets. Changing in the same rooms, sharing a single bathroom, it’s to the point he never feels secure enough to take the bandage around his thigh off. Soon, he fears, the members will start to question why he goes to such lengths to hide his mark. He’s been a big enough burden without this being revealed – he is determined to set them both free.

~.~.~

  
Hyunwoo sees the way the other members treat Changkyun, the way they blame him when practice last longer than planned; even though, all of them miss steps. Hyunwoo tries to be a good leader, to balance the member's feelings after "No Mercy' and their youngest member; but being a good leader didn't come with a manual. Sensing the growing tension, when the song finishes he doesn't move to restart it, announcing, "That's enough for today - let's head back." Cheers erupt in the room, a spike of energy from relief.  
One by one the members file out, but Hyunwoo stops Changkyun. "Maybe we could run through the choreography a few times together?" It’s awkward, and the kid looks like he’d rather be anywhere else but he nods, moving obediently to his spot without lifting his gaze from the floor. He’s sticky with sweat, Changkyun doesn’t look any better, and he feels sorry for keeping the brunette - despite that he wants to give the other members a chance to calm down.

  
Hyunwoo cruses the producers of 'No Mercy' in his head, he used to feel wronged, cheated because Changkyun had joined after multiple eliminations had been carried out. At first, he worried, like the others that the newcomer had been promised to win. It became clear as the show went on that he'd only been added to increase ratings. Changkyun had been set up from the start, but he pushed through and won. To Hyunwoo, it doesn't seem like a win only another battle the kid has to overcome.

  
Frustration blooms in his chest, drama added for T.V ratings is affecting their teamwork, and he doesn't know how to fix it. He doesn’t know how to make Changkyun feel comfortable – like he belongs. Doesn’t know how to make the dorms a place the younger wants to do more than sleep in. It doesn’t seem like Jooheon’s moving past losing Gun. Getting the rest of the members to accept that Changkyun deserved to win seems impossible.

  
Changkyun hardly misses a step as they work through the choreography three times. Out of curiosity, he blurts, "Why couldn't you do it like that before?" It takes the stretch of silence that follows for him to worry that the words may have been misunderstood as scolding. "You did good," he amends, saying the words makes him aware of how rarely he praises the younger. It accrues to him that it’s another way he is failing as a leader. "Thank-you, hyung. I'll try harder to do better with the group. I'm sorry I kept you." Hyunwoo recognizes how lucky the group is that Changkyun is such a good kid - he knows they don't deserve Changkyun. He's too polite, too kind, Hyunwoo worries the group will ruin him. The dark circles beneath the boy’s eyes make him fear that they already have.

  
As the leader, he resolves to start scolding the other members for their rude behavior. He’s let it slide hoping their resentment would fade, understanding the hurt behind their actions. Watching their friends be eliminated, and then replaced by someone new left them all bitter. No matter how hard, how many painful conversations he has to have he’s determined to make this team function. "Don't apologize, we're a team. Besides, it was nice getting to practice without anyone complaining." Changkyun looks skeptical but nods along anyway.

  
Hyunwoo isn’t surprised when he collects his things, and Changkyun doesn’t. The younger spends more time in the company building then he does the dorm, a place that should be his home. “Changkyun,” he calls from the door, “come on.” The brunette looks startled, and Hyunwoo can see the gears in his head turning to find an excuse to stay behind. “You don’t need any more extra practice – you did well.” When he’s met with hesitation his heartbreaks, he worries that he’s waited too long to try and fix things, to reach out. “Kihyun’s ordering chicken, it’s been weeks since you ate with us. Let’s go.” Changkyun looks a bit like he’s walking toward his executioner.

  
At the dorm, the typical aroma of a home cooked meal has been replaced by the smell of take-out. All the members on the floor sit around a table in the living room. Kihyun has spent many nights watching in disappointment as the boy across from him only finished half of his plate before mumbling, “Thank- you, hyung,” and retreating from the table. At first, he had worried that Changkyun didn’t like the food he cooked but every night he would make a different dish hoping to stumble across something the boy would eat. Every night he watched the boy pick at his food, eating what little he did quickly before excusing himself from the table. Tonight he was testing his theory that the behavior has less to do with the food and more to do with the company.

  
Even with fried chicken in front of him, he merely picks at the food. It frustrates Kihyun, he’s at a loss not knowing what to do. Then Minhyuk opens his mouth, “Should he really be eating something this greasy – it’ll make his face worse,” nodding his head toward Changkyun. Hyunwoo who’s setting between the two tries to quickly amend, “Minhyuk, don’t start he’s allowed to eat.” When the blonde starts to argue the leader is quick to continue, “He’s a teenager, we all experienced the same thing – it has very little to do with food. Leave him alone.” Kihyun wishes he could throttle the blonde when moments later Changkyun excuses himself from the table.

  
“This has to stop,” Hyunwoo scolds, “We’re a team, we’ll be debuting soon, everyone should be focused on that and not how you can make the youngest member's life a living hell.” Hoseok is quick to pout, “it isn’t our fault he deserves it. If he hadn’t cheat-“. Hyunwoo cuts him off, “He didn’t cheat, and you know it. He took the opportunity at a chance to debut just like the rest of us.” Minhyuk scoffs, “Not just like the rest of us.” Kihyun feels a headache coming on and if the way Hyunwoo rubs his forehead is any indication the leader is also getting one. “Don’t be childish, Min.” It sounds like a plea from the oldest. “We’ve all been needlessly cruel to him, it’s enough,” Kihyun adds. He’s surprised when Hyungwon agrees, “We need to make amends. Do you honestly think the company will let us debut if we can’t function as a unit?”

  
Everyone at the table seems to ponder the lanky boy’s words. Pride has kept Kihyun from outright apologizing. Instead, he cooks. When their schedules permit, he lets the boy spend as much time huddled in bed as he wants. He knows it isn’t enough but, he slaps Hoseok’s hand away from what is left on Changkyun's plate, taking it to the kitchen to wrap before placing it in the refrigerator. Even though, he knows it will go uneaten. Hyunwoo joins him in the kitchen leaning against the counter. “Do you think he’s okay,” the leader asks. The obvious answer is no, not with the way things are, he tries to optimistic, “It’ll get better.” He wishes he was better at letting his pride go, of speaking the words he wants to say.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To every one that reads this, comments or leaves kudos thank you! It means a lot :)


	3. Chapter 3

They're piling into the van, Jooheon notices that once again they are a member short. It happens enough that it's hardly note-worthy; still, he asks, "Where's Changkyun?" Their manager sighs giving his patented response, "He asked to stay behind." He stalls outside of the van last week’s scolding dinner conversation replaying in his mind. Looking back at the doors he requests, "Can I stay?" Their manager seems skeptical, but Hyunwoo agrees easily. "Just make sure you're back in time for dinner."

Quickly, he turns to head back inside before he can overthink what he is doing. Kihyun shouts, "Bring Changkyun back with you the kids gonna disappear if he gets any thinner." They've all noticed the way the kid had lost the baby fat he had when they first met in a way that has nothing to do with aging. He prefers to blame the loss of weight on the stress of preparing to debut, in reality, he knows he is partly responsible. How many pounds has he taken from his fellow rapper? With his comments laced with spite crafted in his mouth with the intent to hurt, how many times has he kept the younger boy from eating the meals Kihyun cooks? Hating to think about it he physically shakes his head hoping to dislodge the thought.

At the studio door, he doesn’t hesitate to push his way inside, afraid that if he stopped, he would lose his courage. The boy isn’t set at the desk. "I thought you'd be working on something," he states when he finds the younger tucked in a corner. He doesn't get a verbal reply, only Changkyun looking like he's been caught doing something he shouldn't. It reaffirms what Jooheon had been thinking - the younger stays behind to avoid being in the dorms, around the members, it makes something rotten coil in his stomach.

With the awkward tension in the air, Jooheon wishes he had been kinder to the kid, to begin with; at first, he felt like he had to keep his distance, not wanting to be the first to reach out because Gun had been so close to debuting instead. Now, he recognizes how petty he had been, regret weighs heavy on his mind. After holding on to his anger for too long the gap between them seems impossible to bridge, it's easier to focus on what that have in common. "Would you mind listening to this track I've been working on - I could use another pair of ears." There's a moment of silence before Changkyun replies, Jooheon's half expecting to be rejected, "I don't think I'd be much help," but he moves into a chair closer to the desk.

For a while, the only words they exchange are about the track playing, Changkyun timid with every suggestion but Jooheon knows that he needs to apologize. The words aren’t easy to say, everything he comes up with feeling inadequate. “I was hurt that I couldn’t debut with Gun. It was supposed to the two of us,” he settles for honesty, “I know you didn’t do anything wrong but you made it, and he didn’t – I couldn’t blame him for losing so I took it out on you for winning.” His throat tightens eyes stinging he pushes through determined to get the words out, “I’m sorry I did that.” He can’t look at the younger instead keeping his head bowed.

Silence follows his words, his mind racing with how he will make this right. “I understand.” Changkyun must be able to read the confusion on his face because he explains. “I was supposed to debut before,” he starts sounding uncomfortable, “Nubility - the company ran out of money and our debut was canceled. I know it hurts not being able to achieve your dream with your friends.” Looking up Jooheon can see the hurt on the younger’s face, the longing in his eyes. “I didn’t know that.” Changkyun gives a non-commutative hum, and the conversation dies out.

They walk back to the dorm together, the sky dark in a way that promises rain. Jooheon’s legs are sore by the time they get back, and he wonders how the brunette manages every night. Some of the weight the kid has lost, he decides, is because of all the walking. He’s out of breath as he pushes open the door complaining, “You’ve gotta start riding back to the dorm with the rest of us.” The way the other boy laughs startles both of them and causes a matching sound to bubble from Jooheon’s chest.

That night when they set down to eat Jooheon takes Hyunwoo’s seat beside Changkyun. The leader doesn’t comment but a small, proud smile dance across his lips. Jooheon knows that this is not finished, everything is not magically fixed, but it’s a start – the gap between them is smaller now than when they left this morning.

~.~.~

  
It's one of their rare days off, and all they can do is hang around the dorm - brazenly he had ventured down from his top bunk seeking out Hyunwoo, since their manager wasn't there, to ask if he could go to the gym. He tries not to feel jealous when he sees the easy camaraderie among the other members, as they all maneuver around each other in the small space. Hyungwon is curled in the corner of the couch feet tucked under Minhyuk’s thighs, Hoseok beside him bickering over the remote, Jooheon setting at their feet back against the couch. Kihyun is moving in and out of the room trying to tame the chaos of their living space, Hyunwoo helping. The way they trade friendly touches and inside jokes, further proves he doesn't belong.

Not wanting to get scolded for interrupting, he waits for acknowledgment - catching himself staring at his mark-match wondering if under different conditions they could have developed a bond. He's brought out of his thoughts by Minhyuk snapping at him, "What are you staring at?" He drops his head to the floor, mumbling an apology - it wasn't like he was looking at the hyper ball of energy anyway. "Minhyuk isn't there something you should be doing, like I don't know, folding the laundry," Kihyun questions shooting the blonde a glare. He grumbles but leaves the room, presumably to do his chores.

"Changkyun?" It confuses him, sometimes, the soft way Kihyun tends to say his name. "I wanted to ask Hyunwoo if I could go to the gym - I already cleaned the bathroom." Something sad clouds Kihyun's eyes, it makes him uneasy. Hyunwoo claps him on the shoulder from behind, "I don't think that's a good idea, you need to rest." He tries giving the leader the same look he always gives the manager, but as expected it doesn’t work. He accepts the leader’s decision quickly turning to retreat back to the safety of his bunk.  
Kihyun stops him a gentle hand curling around his wrist; it causes a blush to settle high on his checks even though it shouldn’t. “I know you’ve already done your chores but would mind helping me with lunch?” He nods dumbly, surprised by the request. Usually, Kihyun won’t let anyone help him in the kitchen, complaining that everyone merely gets in the way. Kihyun takes vegetables from the refrigerator handing them to Changkyun to wash as he begins pulling out pots and pans. Quietly Changkyun does what he has been asked, diligently because a part of him is afraid of being scolded.

“Can you cut them?” He isn’t sure, so he slices a carrot checking with Kihyun that he is doing it correctly. “Let me show you.” He’s expecting the other to take the knife instead the mother of the group takes hold of his hand – pushing and pulling his hands through the motions. “Just like that,” Kihyun states moving away like the touching that just transpired takes place all the time. In reality that’s the first time, Changkyun can recall the older male sharing any sort of contact with him willingly. The blush returns to his cheeks, an anxiousness dancing in his gut.

Once, he’s finished Kihyun instructs him to dump the chunks of veggies into the pot on the stove. The kitchen is small, and they brush against each other often. Changkyun is stirring the… soup? He thinks it’s soup – there’s a lot of liquid; while, Kihyun rinses the cutting board and knife when Hoseok enters the kitchen. He brushes past Changkyun in the too small kitchen reaching for a glass on the counter. The contact causes Changkyun to jerk splashing out the scalding liquid. It lands high on his thigh, and he hisses from the pain.

Hoseok sighs grabbing a towel to press against the boy’s shorts-clad leg. “Did it leave a burn,” Kihyun asks. Hoseok reaches for the bandage he keeps wrapped around his leg to check. Changkyun panics snapping, “Don’t touch it,” as he pushes the older males hand away. Hoseok seems shocked at first before he glares. “Nobody cares about your stupid soul-mark – you brat.” Kihyun slaps his arm. “It was an accident,” he stresses as Changkyun assures, “It’s fine Hyung – I can take care of it.” The younger doesn’t give anyone the Chance to argue as he bolts for the bathroom. Faintly he hears Kihyun call for him before hissing something to Hoseok. The last thing he hears before shutting the bathroom do is Hoseok's jab, “I feel sorry for whoever has the misfortune of sharing his mark.”

With the door locked he slides to the floor taking comfort in the safety of the small enclosed space. Numbly he removes the dressing on his thigh; the skin above the bandage is slightly red. The liquid hadn’t made it past the gauze to reach his mark. He wonders ideally if a burn could be enough. He hardens his resolve to accept that his soul-mark will always be a failure. He slips from the bathroom, once a dry bandage is in place, to his bunk. He looks up burn scars – the chance of infection seems too high.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is late!


	4. Chapter 4

Jooheon is determined to become friends with his fellow rapper but doing it alone feels like too much pressure - he decides to enlist the help of Minhyuk. He has a plan - he doesn't think either member will turn down free food - Changkyun because he's too polite (or afraid) and Minhyuk because it means getting out of the dorm.

  
First, he clears the idea with Hyunwoo, then their manager - they both gladly agree, pleased that Jooheon is making an effort. Then he corners Minhyuk who bristles at the suggestion. "Why would you want to take Changkyun to lunch? Why would I want to have lunch with him?" He groans, "Isn't it exhausting being this bitter? He didn't do anything wrong - he was chasing his dream like everyone else." When he's met with silence, he reminds, "We have to leave the dorm to have lunch."

  
With no idea what the youngest member liked to eat, he’d decided on the place closest to the dorm. A quite bulgogi place, they go early trying to avoid a crowd. Changkyun had tried to dodge going out, even going as far as to pout and claim illness. It had taken Hyunwoo’s gentle prodding and calm reassurance to get the skinny boy out the door. The walk to the restaurant filled with Jooheon’s idle chatter as he desperately tried to keep the silence away, a little worried about what Minhyuk might say if left with a chance to fill the quiet.

  
Honestly, Minhyuk doesn’t hate Changkyun – he couldn’t even say for sure why he has always been so crude to the younger boy. At first, Minhyuk had kept his distance from Changkyun because of pack mentality - later because the guilt ate at him and he didn't think he deserved to ask for forgiveness. Lunch is stilted, guilt rots the words he wants to say in his mouth, he has no right to act like he is friends with Changkyun. He shouldn't try to smile and joke with the younger, it feels like faking, pretending he hasn't been an utter dick. His words come out stiff when he does speak. Changkyun nods along silently accepting the comments like he takes everything. It aggravates him.

  
"Yell at me," he spits out. Both boys across from him startle at his outburst. "Curse at me," he demands, he wants the younger to finally call him out for his shitty behavior. "I don't want to, hyung," Changkyun states softly like he can’t figure out why Minhyuk would want him to. It hits Minhyuk then that forgiveness isn't about what he feels like he deserves - it's about what will help Changkyun move on.

  
He's been acting selfishly again, the boy across from him is too kind. "I'm sorry." The words are surprisingly easy to get out. “I know you didn’t cheat, or buy your position in the group – I just… I didn’t know how -,” he sighs not sure how to explain finishes with, “ – it was easier to keep you at a distance.” He gets a small smile and a quiet, “Thank-you,” in return. “What can I do to make it up to you?” Something playful and bright sparks in the kid’s eyes but it’s snuffed out quickly, head tilting down unsure.

  
Minhyuk doesn’t want that – doesn’t want the other to hold back out of fear of being reprimanded. “I’ll buy you ice cream!” He knows he's ridiculous, but that’s the point. “How about we go to the arcade – I’ll win you a stuffed animal.” There is a smile tugging at Changkyun’s face that makes Minhyuk grin. Jooheon cries out, “what about me,” with an exaggerated pout. “You can come too,” he agrees easily, “but you have to pay for your own ice cream.” Jooheon whines as Changkyun laughs.

  
Later, Minhyuk buys Changkyun ice cream but makes Jooheon act cute in the middle of the street before he pays for his. Changkyun laughs for the first time that Minhyuk can recall hearing; he wants to listen to it again. Instead of going back to the dorm they stop by the arcade as Minhyuk suggested at lunch even the though the youngest member is hesitant afraid they’ll be late getting back to the dorm.

  
“Hyung, it’s okay – you’re never going to get it.” The words are airy with mirth, teasing lit to the smile on the youngest members face. Jooheon wandered off to play a different game when Minhyuk failed for the fifth time to win anything out of the claw machine. “One more time.” Changkyun doesn’t argue only laughs when he failed to win a stuffed animal for the eighth time. Minhyuk’s loud groaning gets Jooheon’s attention. “Looks like it’s time to head back.” He pouts, “One more? Just one more – I have to win a stuffed animal for forgiveness.” Jooheon has no sympathy for his plight. “Better luck next time.”

  
The sun is setting as they leave the arcade – rushing because they are definitely missing the curfew that was set for them. They push through the door all tangled limbs and laughter. Hyunwoo is waiting for them in the living room. Instead of the scolding, they were sure they’d be getting the leader sighs before smiling. “Did you have fun?” Their day together had been awkward at times, but enjoyable – it felt like a new beginning.

  
~.~.~

  
"Where are you going?" Hyungwon asks eyes half closed as he lounges on the couch. "The gym to work on my stamina." The older boy frowns at the reply in obvious distaste. Hyungwon likes to pretend that he is above all the drama that the members are facing, most days he’s too tired to try and maneuver the minefield ‘No Mercy’ created. He knows that things cannot continue like this, Changkyun deserves the effort. They say the start is the hardest part – he definitely agrees. “I don’t hate you,” he starts. Changkyun seems a little unsure. “I never hated you – I’m sorry if I made you feel like I did.” The younger nods slowly, “It’s okay, I understand, hyung.” Hyungwon doubts that he does – it isn’t worth harping on.

  
"Don't go. Take a nap with me." It’s the best overture of friendship he can think of at the moment. He hates how unsure the other boy looks. It's the first time any of the members have tried to get close to Changkyun in a physical way, but Hyungwon seems cozy on the couch- welcoming and things had worked out nicely with Minhyuk and Jooheon. It sounds nice, sleeping instead of working out, he agrees. He eases down on to the sofa, half expecting to be pushed away at any moment. Hyungwon curled around him long limbs a lightweight across his stomach and legs.

  
"Do you hate us? Is that why you spend so much time away from the dorm?" Before the blunt questioned would have felt like an attack, but Changkyun is beginning to understand that to the point is simply Hyungwon’s way of speaking. "No, hyung." It’s the honest answer – he has never hated the members, has never been angry, only hurt. “I would understand if you did.” He isn’t sure how to explain his desire for distance in a way that won’t hurt the older boy. “It’s just… easier.”

  
Hyungwon's grip tightens as he pulls Changkyun closer to him. “I’m sorry I’ve been such a horrible bandmate. I’m sorry if I made you feel unwanted – it was just… easier.” The apology is easy to accept because the older boy has never been outright vicious toward him like Minhyuk or Hoseok. He understands too, how dealing with the fallout from ‘No Mercy’ could feel like too much.

  
Absently Changkyun traces patterns onto Hyungwon's chest, the older boy stops him. "My soul-mark," he states. Changkyun's seen it before, soft violet flower petals contrasted by two curves of yellow outlining a couple of the petals. "You have one too right?" He's getting drowsy, nods only slightly. "Why do keep it covered even in the dorm?" He gives the honest answer knowing the older boy won’t understand. "It's a curse."

  
He’s surprised when the older boy replies, “I used to think that too.” He blurts out, “but your colors are so bright.” Hyungwon laughs, but it’s a clipped monotone sound. “I thought I was cursed because I had a soul-mark at all – the colors are comforting though.” His eyes drift fully closed as he asks, “What do you mean?” The other boy hesitates, and Changkyun struggles to stay awake because he gets the feeling that this is important. “Because I’m asexual – people used to say I shouldn’t have a soul-mark.” A spark of anger zips through Changkyun. “That’s dumb – those people are assholes,” he bites out. The fierceness of his words causes a genuine laugh to bubble from Hyungwon’s mouth.  
It used to bother him the way people would sneer when they found out – it left him feeling like he always had to hide a part of himself. He felt compelled to either cover his mark or lie about his sexuality. Changkyun’s sincere response is refreshing and makes him regret anew keeping distance between them. “What makes you think your mark is cursed?”

  
Briefly, Changkyun wonders if he could confide in the older boy, show him the mark Changkyun knows he’d recognize. He’s too afraid to let Hyungwon know, unsure if the older male would keep his secret; besides he’s working on fixing the problem. He tries to explain without giving too much away. “The colors are wrong – it’s too dark.” He doesn’t’ want to continue with the conversation – he hears Hyungwon state, “but Hoseok’s and Kihyun’s colors are dark, and it doesn’t seem to bother them.” Part of that is news to him, but Changkyun lets sleep pull him under to avoid the comparison.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry if the pace of this story kinda of weird (it seems kinda of off to me but I don't know how to fix it) I hope it's enjoyable anyway!
> 
> As always thank you to everyone that reads this story, gives kudos and/or leaves a comment!


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning: a self mutilation tag has been added to this story. And the angst has been cranked up.

Their debut is closing in, it feels suffocating. Between the excitement and crushing fear that he is not ready Changkyun finds it hard to breathe, to sleep, to do almost anything. They have all memorized the choreography, but they still practice everyday chasing perfection. Hoping that the blood, sweat, and tears they put into their debut will attract fans, favor with the public. Doubt lingers in his mind that nothing will be good enough, that he will never be good enough – he pushes himself harder.

  
The promise of food keeps his feet moving despite the way his legs ache in protest. It has become routine to eat with the members after practice. He no longer lingers at the company building to avoid spending time in the dorms. Though he still spends longer in the studio than anyone else – nowadays he stays behind to improve his skills. Meals with the members are something he no longer heads into with trepidation - Hoseok being the only member that still regards him with distaste.

  
It’s disappointing when the song ends, and Hyungwon immediately apologizes. “I’m sorry, I’m going to skip lunch. I really just want to sleep.” He understands the sleepy boy’s desire – he doesn’t complain and tries to keep his expression neutral. When Minhyuk also declines in favor of extra vocal practice, he can’t help but pout. Jooheon states that he has agreed to meet up with Gunhee and Changkyun tries not to feel abandoned. It isn’t until Kihyun mentions following Minhyuk out that Changkyun realizes with dawning horror that he is being set up. He turns panicked eyes to Hyunwoo.

  
He’s tempted to remind the mom and dad duo that if he goes alone to lunch with Hoseok, there will be no witnesses when the older boy murders him. More realistically there will be no one there to stop Hoseok from saying rude things. “I better go with them to make sure they don’t overdo it.” Hyunwoo gives him a reassuring pat on the back as he leaves. He thinks of how the members all reach out to him first, maybe it wouldn’t be so hard to reach for Hoseok.

  
“I – lunch,” he cringes – he’s definitely going to die – “would you like to go get noodles with me.” Hoseok eyes him suspiciously looking rather annoyed with the situation. “Why would you want to share lunch with me?” It was a good question, one Changkyun didn’t have a solid answer for – all he knows for sure is that he has this longing to get closer to Hoseok. Lingering fantasies of a fairytale egging him on; but that isn’t a response he can give, “I think it would be good if we could get along.” It’s true even if it’s not the truth – they are a team, and soon they’ll be debuting if the public caught wind of animosity between the two of them it would only make things worse.

  
It’s awkward and tense silence that Changkyun doesn’t know how to deal with; it’s nothing like a fairytale. They eat their noodles. Occasionally Hoseok will glace at him from across the table, a look the younger cannot decipher, it makes him sit up straighter in his seat. “Look I know you didn’t do anything wrong,” the older boy starts – the tone puts Changkyun on edge, “but sometimes I just can’t stand the sight of you.” He tries not to flinch at the words, they aren’t laced with venom, it’s only the truth stated plainly. “We don’t have to be best friends we just have to be civil for the cameras.” He nods along dumbly, numb. “I understand, hyung.”

  
Hoseok sighs heavily, “It’s not... I’ve been an ass.” Changkyun can’t listen, static filling his mind, as the last sliver of hope dies away. “I don’t deserve your forgiveness.” He understands civil – polite, respectful, court. It’s not the heartwarming, tender love he’d always hoped for; instead, it is exactly what he should have expected. He knows how to perform in front of the cameras, in front of an audience. He can put on a show here too, sitting across from the boy born from the same star as him, he can pretend. “You don’t have to worry, hyung. I promise I won’t be a bother. I’m going to head back to the dorms – I still have chores to finish.” It’s a lie, one that will be easily noticed because he is always the first to do what is asked of him but he can’t bring himself to care.

  
Hoseok watches Changkyun excuse himself from the table because he knows the younger isn’t listening to him anymore. Kihyun is going to kill him. Tomorrow he’d sit the kid down and explain himself better. He couldn’t stand to look at Changkyun, but he couldn’t stand to look at himself either after the hell he’s put the younger through – all the shitty things he has said. He is ashamed of himself and his behavior. Changkyun and his coltish demeanor only served to remind Hoseok of his mistakes – his failure to be a decent human being. Tomorrow he’d fix the mess he made.

  
~.~.~

  
Changkyun is desperate to rid himself of any evidence that he is bound to Hoseok in such a way; attached to a love that will never be anything but ridged and dark. He doesn't want to be marked with a curse, a mistake. He doesn’t want to be a burden, a bother. The universe made a mistake, and Changkyun intends to correct it. He has poured through articles, gossip columns and medical journals - nothing is easy. This, he has decided, is the best way – the quickest way. Even if the very thought makes his stomach turn – he knows what he has to do.

  
Desperation is an ugly thing, ugly like the brand that taints his skin. He's sick of looking at it, catching glimpses of it on someone else's skin, mocking him. The dorm is silent, everyone fast asleep; but, his thoughts are loud.

  
_“The love you find will resemble a curse…”_  
_“Look at his mark – I feel sorry for him.”_  
_“…better off without one…”_  
_“What a freak…”_

  
He breaks apart one of the other member’s razors, removing the thin blade. It's heavy in his hand as he prays that it will be enough. The tiny bathroom starts making him feel claustrophobic, the walls closing in on him. His palms are sweaty, he has to wipe them on a towel three times before he can get a proper hold on the metal.

  
Desperation is horrific, like the blood that stains the metal he digs into his mark. It hurts, worse than the time he broke his ankle, like nothing he's ever felt. Briefly, he wonders if it hurts this much, is it worth it? He doesn't back down, the memories that replay in his mind give him the strength to follow through.

  
_“How much do you think it cost – the promise to debut?”_  
_“...must be a good lay.”_  
_“I feel sorry for whoever has the misfortune of sharing his mark.”_  
_“… can't stand the sight of you.”_

 

The first cut is too shallow. On the second pass, he digs deeper, slices the mark in two. He has to bite his arm to muffle his sobs as blood drips from his thigh onto the floor. The dark red is stark against the white tiles, he cries, but it’s done. With a little luck, he will be free, Hoseok will be free. Meticulously he cleans the blood from the floor with toilet paper, bandages his thigh, wraps the bloody razor in toilet paper and buries the evidence at the bottom of the waste bin. He prays that it will go unnoticed until it is time for him to clean the bathroom. He cries himself to sleep.

  
Hours later he is startled awake by the sound of sobbing. In a daze he follows the noise with a pounding hurt - in the second bedroom, he finds Kihyun cradled in Hoseok's arms, the older member trying to soothe him. Hyunwoo tries to usher him gently from the room. "Hyung, what happened?" The stoic leader gives his shoulder a reassuring squeeze explaining, "Something happened to their soul-mark, but everything's going to be fine." Nothing is ever going to be okay.

  
Heartbreak is Kihyun's tears – seeing for the first time the mark stretched across his rib cage, now broken in half. Sorrow is the realization that he will never fit, not in the group and not within his mark-match. Anguish is realizing that it is not the mark that is cursed but him. He is the cause of black scars, red betrayal, and blue tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Is Changkyun's mark match/ soulmates who you thought it would be? or were you surprised?
> 
> I hope everyone is enjoying this story - I've been having a lot of fun writing it. And of course a big thank you to everyone who comments and gives kudos!


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry this took so long! please forgive me...

The emotions rolling off of Kihyun are almost suffocating. The compact member has been short tempered since his mark changed the day before. On edge, while he cleans, scrubs the oven, and complains about the crumbs on the couch, waiting. Hyunwoo is trying his best to be the leader the members need, but he feels stretched too thin because he is unable to help everyone at once. For now, he sticks close to Kihyun, keeping the brokenhearted younger company, cleaning alongside him in solidarity.

Hoseok fled to the gym before the sun had fully raised, Jooheon trailing behind to make sure his soft-hearted hyung didn’t overdo it with the weights. Changkyun hasn’t left his bunk all day refusing company like he is reverting back to old behaviors. Minhyuk has also buried himself beneath layers of blankets to avoid the world, but he pulled Hyungwon into his nest of gloom. After all the progress the members have been making, the dorm finally starting to fill with laughter and bubbling happiness it feels like time has reversed.

Hyunwoo moves to the bathroom, Changkyun hadn’t left his bunk for breakfast, Hyunwoo figures it’s unlikely the boy will emerge to clean. He kicks the wastebasket over while sweeping, huffing as he bends to pick up the spilled contents. The sight of red tinted paper gives him pause, it takes a minute for the dark color to register. Blood, it looks like blood, but that can’t be right, he shifts the papers around only finding more red.  Calling out for Kihyun he tries to keep his voice steady void of the urgency he feels.

“What’s wrong?”

He hopes he is overreacting as he points out the mess on the floor. The self-proclaimed “mom” of the group shifts through the trash separating the stained towels with a pinched face. A blood-stained razor falls lose clinking against the tile followed by broken plastic. It didn't make sense; his mind halts not waiting to connect the dots. Kihyun stares up at him with wide eyes. "Maybe it's not what it looks like?" Hyunwoo tries to reason, wanting desperately for it not to be what it looks like. Kihyun snaps, "It's a bloody razor! What else could it have been used for?"

The younger looks close to tears at the thought of one of his ‘children’ possibly hurting themselves. He’s so focused on the blood that he doesn’t notice Hyungwon until the lanky kid speaks. “What’s going on?” Kihyun startles at the new addiction, hands twitching but it is too late to hide what they’ve discovered. Hyungwon’s eyes widen as he takes in the sight of what Kihyun has spread on the floor. “Do you know who…” He trails off unable to voice the question. Hyunwoo can practically see the thoughts whizzing around in the other boys head.

Hyunwoo watches baffled as Hyungwon turns and bolts. Kihyun tries to stop him. “Where are you going? Hyungwon!” The boy doesn’t listen, the only reply Kihyun gets is the sound of the door across the hall shutting. “Do you think Hyungwon,” he questions. “No,” Kihyun states with certainty quickly tossing everything back into the trash can. For a moment Hyunwoo questions how Kihyun could be so sure, then his eyes track back to the door Hyungwon just closed, and it clicks – Hyungwon didn’t run away from them, he ran toward Changkyun.

Hyungwon’s thoughts swirl, Changkyun’s confession about dark marks and curses, the measured distance he has always kept from Hoseok. He won’t believe it until he sees it with his own eyes. The tick of the lock attracts Changkyun’s attention, his hair is sleep mused as peeks over the top bunk railing. “Are you okay?” Hyungwon wonders what he looks like, if Changkyun can read the shock on his face, can see the fear in his eyes. “Are you?” Confusion dancing across his features as he tilts his head, Hyungwon has never been good at sensitivities, only knows how to be blunt. “You share a mark with Hoseok and Kihyun – don’t you.” He watches the color drain from the younger's face, and it is all the confirmation he needs.

The knob jiggles; memories flood Hyungwon’s mind of every time he pondered being a blank slate because other people made him believe he didn’t deserve the mark on his body. Every malice hardened word that cut into him: _freak, unworthy, broken, needs to be fixed_. Climbing the metal rungs of the ladder, he clings to the brunette, a sob lodged in his throat. “I just- I just.” Hyungwon nods along because he knows without hearing the words out loud – he has heard them enough in his own head. The door opens, Hyungwon wishes there was a way to protect the friend in his arms from any more hurt.

“Changkyun, can you come down here?” Hyunwoo is gentle with his words, calm. Hyungwon follows him down, standing close by. “We found something in the bathroom.” Kihyun standing in the doorway tries to find a bandage, a wound. The younger is in nothing but his boxers, but he can't pinpoint anything out of the ordinary. Changkyun nods along with eyes cast to the floor. There is a pressing weight in the room, something in the way Hyungwon looks at him and in the way Changkyun refuses to look up at all that makes him feel uneasy. Minhyuk presses into his back; he helped find a way to jimmy the door open.

There is a bandage that has always been present on the younger boy, Kihyun knows the boy's soul-mark lies beneath. His stomach churns, trepidation overwhelming him. "Changkyun?" His hand tremors as he moves closer, hand above the bandage the younger boy jerks away. "No!" He's openly sobbing now. Something's always been missing, Kihyun thinks. "Changkyun, please, let me see." The boy whines like a wounded animal, "I'm sorry- I tried to - I'm sorry." Kihyun’s heart is sinking, breaking. "Please, Changkyun, I wanna make sure you're okay."

Slowly he moves closer, this time Changkyun doesn't jerk away, he's a mess of tears and chopped words that no longer make sense. Hyungwon pets the younger boy’s hair in comfort as Kihyun unravels the bandage. He finds a mark he knows too well. Unlike his own skin, Changkyun's thigh is swollen, crusted with blood around the edges. Kihyun can no longer hold his own tears back. "Why?" Changkyun doesn’t get a chance to answer.

“What’s wrong with you,” Minhyuk snarls. Changkyun is left stunned by the anger rolling off the normally smiley member. He understood Kihyun’s tears, but he never expected anyone else to have much of a reaction. For a moment Changkyun thought the blonde would hit him, as he lunged forward and he may have if Hyunwoo hadn’t grabbed him. “That’s enough Min,” the eldest stated. “No, it’s not! Who does that?” Changkyun is grateful as Minhyuk’s attention shifts giving him a chance to escape, Hyungwon close behind.

“It’s not fair,” he spits, breaths coming short. Hyunwoo holds him tight, Minhyuk’s back pressed to his chest, a hand on the blondes sternum. He takes deep even breaths, hoping the boy in his arms will match his breathing. “It’s not fair,” he repeats as anger transitions to sorrow. Hyunwoo is suddenly grateful that he was born without a destiny marring his skin. He has watched Minhyuk take pens and markers to his skin drawing out a constellation over and over on his forearm mourning something lost without ever being sure what exactly he would live without.

Easing them onto the bed, Minhyuk clings to him. “How could he do something like that?” He isn’t sure, but he knows, “Changkyun thought he was doing what was right – for himself, for Hoseok and Kihyun and the group.” He hopes that when the hurricane of emotions roaring inside of Minhyuk settles down, he’ll be able to find it in him to be compassionate toward their youngest member who felt he had to go so far.

Changkyun escapes into the hallway turning toward the other bedroom at the end of the hall. He doesn’t get far Kihyun pulling on his arm to turn him around. He turns into a nightmare, the hurt in Kihyun’s eyes is unbearable, “Why,” Hoseok stands at the other end of the hall hair soaked with sweat. The jig’s up, he figures, if the truth is out it might as well be the whole truth. Facing the hurt in Kihyun’s eyes head on he answers with all the honesty he can muster. “I didn’t know.” He hopes they both understand.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I tried really hard to wrap this in a single chapter but there was just no way; so, one more chapter to go! (I'm sad but excited.) I wanna thank everyone for reading this as always, and again I'm really sorry this update took so long.
> 
> Question, given all the possibilities, if you could be born with a soulmark would you want one?  
> I'm firmly on the side of no I would not want one, I've read too many stories, too much could go wrong.


End file.
